Ask me how I’m coping. Not how I’m doing

So last night I post this photo:

With the intention of bringing a little more awareness to mental health and the struggles of depression and anxiety. As per usual. I couldn’t sleep much after that. Regretting putting it out there, nervous about what people would think, but also proud of myself and my ability to be authentic.

As I was thinking this sentence came to me ‘Ask me how I’m coping, not how I’m going if you want to know the real, raw, authentic me’

When people ask me how I’m going I can very easily say ‘good!’ and I am.. I’m not lying or being fake. I have great friends, work is alright, I’m adding value, I have a beautiful family, I’m grateful. But at the very same time I may not be coping with the demands of depression and anxiety.. I can struggle to get out of bed, I find it impossible to hold a conversation, I fear any responsibility.. I’m not coping.. how I’m doing and how I’m coping are different for me.

Sounds like it’s contradictory.. how can you be good but not coping..? well I’m considered ‘high-functioning’ depression and anxiety ( not an actual a diagnosis DSM-5) but I can basically perform daily tasks while feeling immense despair and fear. My ability to succeed is a higher priority, than giving into my mental health- most of the time. I spend days at a time in bed at times.

I believe a lot of people struggling with mental health can share a similar mind set. They can be ok and not ok at the same time.

So if you ask me how I’m going.. I’m good. Life is good. I’m thankful.

If you ask me how I’m coping.. at times I’ll be completely fine.. other times you might get a raw and somewhat confronting response, which will probably change as much as Melbourne weather!

Running Through Thunder

I love when the sky begins to change. The bright blue of the sky turns to grey and that beautiful smell right before the rain comes. I love standing still and waiting for that first drop of rain to roll down my face. It’s almost a relief. Its as if my lungs have been cleared and I can breathe again. But I hate the thunder. My heart races with the sound rolling across the sky. I fear the chaos of the storm.

I recently found myself in the bright blue sunny part of my life. You know those times when life is calm. Everything you do is beautiful. You can cope with whatever is thrown your way. My mental health was stable, the side effects of my medication had begun to lessen, I was giving to those around me, and I could add value.

But.. There’s always a but.. I felt somewhat.. I guess weird? It didn’t feel normal. I wanted the rain. I wanted the fear of the storm. So I talked myself into a hole. I let depression take a place in my daily life again. I’ve been an advocate for mental health and one thing that makes my heart break is when people say ‘just think better thoughts’ or ‘maybe you should just change the way you think about *insert subject’ it doesn’t really work but in saying that I’ve learnt something amazing about not letting my brain control me, but allowing me to control my brain! (For more info check out dr. Caroline leaf)

Depression and anxiety or any mental health.. it doesn’t care about the time of day, month, place or the best day of your life. They will strike when you’re laughing with friends, in a crowded room, making burgers or in the stillness of your room. Depression sucks the life right out of your lungs. But at the same time can became a strange comfort and feel like it’s giving you life. It lies to you.

Anyway! Let me get to my point. As I was feeling more stable and the storm was calm, I felt like I wasn’t ‘normal’ and talked myself back into the storm. Good one Breannon!! Thankfully I’m much more aware and able to quickly catch myself in these moments. So I stopped. I let myself feel the rain pour down my face and touch the deepest part of my soul. I cried. I got angry. I panicked. I hid. I prayed.

You know when you can hear the thunder in the distance. You know its coming and there’s nothing you can do about it. That was me. I could hear the storm brewing around me. Closing in on me and I knew in that moment I needed to make significant decisions that would change how I viewed the storm. Was I scared? Yep, petrified! I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen. Where I would end up. But I knew I would be ok.

So, right now the thunder is loud and the storm is right here. The depression and anxiety I feel is real but I’m not letting it take control. I’m not letting it damage my relationships, my life or my ambitions! I have taken control (in a positive way) of the impact depression takes in my daily living, sometimes its almost impossible to get out of bed or see people but I’m standing strong, I get tired sometimes and the storm can be extremely powerful at times but I’m running through the thunder.

Never let your storm define you.

Breannon

If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au

http://headspace.org.au

lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing

I’m Breaking Up With You.

There came this point a few months ago where I had to break up with you. All of you.

Here’s what happened.. I woke up in the middle of the night absolutely terrified with fear. I could barely take a breath and my heart was racing so fast. All I could think was ‘What is happening? how did I get to this place?’ I had to put my counselling tools in place and try calm myself down and go back to sleep. I’ll deal with this in the morning. It was a moment that had been happening frequently.

Morning came all too quickly and I kept thinking ‘How did I get to this place?’ the place where I was so scared to be around people, staying in bed seemed to be a better option, where I would be so fearful of speaking, where doing what I know I needed to do made me feel like the worst person in the world.

After sitting in an office thinking over this past year, writing down possible solutions, evaluating my life.. it was here I felt the drop in my heart ‘Someone has spoken poorly of someone and now you measure every action and word spoken to their poor judgement’ it was so obvious and a HUGE reality check for me.

I began to unpack this sentence and I could see all the areas it was effecting. I’m usually not the type of person who sees negative attributes in people (unless you have been around me over the past 2 years, I’m sorry, forgive me?) but I was commenting, judging and hating people. Like I said before I didn’t want to speak in front of people (4 years ago I was public speaking almost weekly) and I could barely make decisions because these people would possibly judge me and talk about me. AGHHH!!! It was all so horrible and defiantly not the place I wanted to be in!

I know there was a confident, peaceful, loving and fun person inside. So I had this moment where I said to myself ‘I need to break up with you. Every persons harsh words, looks and feelings. Every expectation. Every person. I’m breaking up with you. I’m letting the rope snap’ and like that It never effected my life again.. I’m joking!! It got harder. I had to make decisions based on me and God. I had to make conscious decisions not to enter into gossip or let that persons views enter my life. Did I get it right every time? I wish, I still make mistakes, I still say harsh things about people but I’m on a journey and one step at a time I’m changing.

Did all this change what people said? defiantly not, but there was no way I was letting it overcome and destroy my life. I had things I needed to get done!

So, Heres what I learnt:

• What I say can work its way into the minds of the people who are hearing it and completely destroy or totally heal their lives
• Be careful who you invest your time into. Who you hang around is the person you will come. I don’t want to be the mean, judgemental, bitchy friend.
• Never let the judgements or words of others dictate your life (unless its someone who you have put in a position to speak into your life, but even then you need to make the final decisions)
• Admit your weaknesses.
• Practise what you preach. I’ve often lost respect and trust for people who say one thing but do a completely different thing. Its gross.
• Its okay to walk away from a friendship if it doesn’t build you up

I don’t get everything right, I know I said it before but its something I’m working on and I can’t believe the change I’ve seen in myself over the past few months. I did a few self-assessments on anxiety, depression etc. for my course about 2 months ago and redid them 2 days ago.. The results were significantly better this time round. I’m defiantly a happier, more confident, positive, fun person!

That’s all for now! I need sleep 🙂

Peace.