I know I’m not your first choice.

Well. Hello. Here we are. 2018.

If you know me, you would probably know how obsessed and in love I am with Christmas. I often get tears when I think of the lights, family, songs, fun and the gift of Jesus. What you probably wouldn’t know.. is I find Christmas to be one of the hardest times of year.

Why? The ‘I’m not a first choice to anybody’ feeling gets really real. REALLY REAL.



Imagine this, we are all hanging out at a massive Christmas party, 100s of people. Your S/O, friends, family, kids etc. It’s fun, Christmas carols are playing. But suddenly there’s a fire, loud sirens, smoke, someone telling you to evacuate.. who do you look for? Of course it would be those closest to your heart, your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, your kids etc. and rightly so, you definitely should!! I’m sure I wouldn’t be completely overlooked but I wouldn’t be someone’s first choice.

Now look.. I’m not trying to be a sad sod. Or all depressed. I’m an adult. I can probably get out of a fire myself, I have terrible climbing skills but could definitely jump out a window. But the thought of not being a first thought to anyone.. that’s the one that gets me in the feels. When surrounded by all the by all the lovely family carols and santa pictures at christmas, it can certainly feel like I’m being left out. Forgotten about.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say. Is during these lovely holiday times of year check in with your single, living out of home, working everyday friends. Let them know you’re there for them (not that you can take away all their lonliness- we need to be content with ourselves) but just let them know you’re thinking of them. Help them to feel a sense of belonging.

Help people feel connected.

The past few weeks I haven’t had much ‘connecting’ time with those closest to my heart. Partly because I’ve been sick, busy and working but also because lonliness has been so in my face, I take full responsibility of it. I retreat, disconnect, isolate and get comfortable in my bubble. My challenge to myself is to recognise lonliness and do the exact opposite of what I’m feeling.

To my single/feeling alone friends,

Reach out, go places, explore the world around you, message old friends, watch the sunset, spend time doing the things you love, embrace the small moments and chase your dreams. You are not alone, you are so loved!

I believe we all have a part to play in making people feel free to be themselves, connected and cherished.

That’s all for now friends.


Laughter from the psych ward

Content warning: This post deals with anxiety, depression and hospital and may be triggering for some readers.

Psych wards and laugher?

It starts with the ‘why’ are you here?’ questions and usually ends in fits of laughter.

The most healing medicine. Laughing. It fills the chilling reality of the white walls, 15 minute checks, group counselling and hidden contraband.

I remember nights where we would gather around tables at supper and laugh about the ironic things people would tell us ‘maybe you should exercise more’.. ‘be more thankful..’ ‘others have it worse off than you’… Oh the lists. Like thank you, I didn’t already feel bad enough.

The sharing of horror medications, deluions , misdiagnosis and relapsing. But I have never felt more heard, more understood or so accepted in my life. We knew the frustration of our illnesses, we knew how to be present with each other.

In a room full of ‘crazy people’ I felt at home. We would laugh until the nurses told us to go to bed or they will call Security, we would laugh at our thinking, we would laugh at our new found diagnoses, we would laugh.. we would laugh at the odd looks from the nurses when we all went quite.. when we realised where we all were again. How could depressed people be laughing?

We found comfort in each other’s stories, where tears fell, were lonliness stood.. we knew. We understood. We made friends for that moment.

I found healing in the gathered living room moments, the days spent around the art table. I found freedom in my laughing.. right when my world was full of grey. I began to know peace in the safety of my bedroom, I found comfort in being heard.

I found healing in the midst of terrible pain, in the struggle to calm anxiety, between the breakdowns and the psychosis.. it was all in our laughter.

.. Breannon

If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations:



lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing.

Ask me how I’m coping. Not how I’m doing 

So last night I post this photo:

With the intention of bringing a little more awareness to mental health and the struggles of depression and anxiety. As per usual. I couldn’t sleep much after that. Regretting putting it out there, nervous about what people would think, but also proud of myself and my ability to be authentic.

As I was thinking this sentence came to me ‘Ask me how I’m coping, not how I’m going if you want to know the real, raw, authentic me’

When people ask me how I’m going I can very easily say ‘good!’ and I am.. I’m not lying or being fake. I have great friends, work is alright, I’m adding value, I have a beautiful family, I’m grateful. But at the very same time I may not be coping with the demands of depression and anxiety.. I can struggle to get out of bed, I find it impossible to hold a conversation, I fear any responsibility.. I’m not coping.. how I’m doing and how I’m coping are different for me.

Sounds like it’s contradictory.. how can you be good but not coping..? well I’m considered ‘high-functioning’ depression and anxiety ( not an actual a diagnosis DSM-5) but I can basically perform daily tasks while feeling immense despair and fear. My ability to succeed is a higher priority, than giving into my mental health- most of the time. I spend days at a time in bed at times.

I believe a lot of people struggling with mental health can share a similar mind set. They can be ok and not ok at the same time.

So if you ask me how I’m going.. I’m good. Life is good. I’m thankful.

If you ask me how I’m coping.. at times I’ll be completely fine.. other times you might get a raw and somewhat confronting response, which will probably change as much as Melbourne weather!

Running Through Thunder

I love when the sky begins to change. The bright blue of the sky turns to grey and that beautiful smell right before the rain comes. I love standing still and waiting for that first drop of rain to roll down my face. It’s almost a relief. Its as if my lungs have been cleared and I can breathe again. But I hate the thunder. My heart races with the sound rolling across the sky. I fear the chaos of the storm.

I recently found myself in the bright blue sunny part of my life. You know those times when life is calm. Everything you do is beautiful. You can cope with whatever is thrown your way. My mental health was stable, the side effects of my medication had begun to lessen, I was giving to those around me, and I could add value.

But.. There’s always a but.. I felt somewhat.. I guess weird? It didn’t feel normal. I wanted the rain. I wanted the fear of the storm. So I talked myself into a hole. I let depression take a place in my daily life again. I’ve been an advocate for mental health and one thing that makes my heart break is when people say ‘just think better thoughts’ or ‘maybe you should just change the way you think about *insert subject’ it doesn’t really work but in saying that I’ve learnt something amazing about not letting my brain control me, but allowing me to control my brain! (For more info check out dr. Caroline leaf)

Depression and anxiety or any mental health.. it doesn’t care about the time of day, month, place or the best day of your life. They will strike when you’re laughing with friends, in a crowded room, making burgers or in the stillness of your room. Depression sucks the life right out of your lungs. But at the same time can became a strange comfort and feel like it’s giving you life. It lies to you.

Anyway! Let me get to my point. As I was feeling more stable and the storm was calm, I felt like I wasn’t ‘normal’ and talked myself back into the storm. Good one Breannon!! Thankfully I’m much more aware and able to quickly catch myself in these moments. So I stopped. I let myself feel the rain pour down my face and touch the deepest part of my soul. I cried. I got angry. I panicked. I hid. I prayed.

You know when you can hear the thunder in the distance. You know its coming and there’s nothing you can do about it. That was me. I could hear the storm brewing around me. Closing in on me and I knew in that moment I needed to make significant decisions that would change how I viewed the storm. Was I scared? Yep, petrified! I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen. Where I would end up. But I knew I would be ok.

So, right now the thunder is loud and the storm is right here. The depression and anxiety I feel is real but I’m not letting it take control. I’m not letting it damage my relationships, my life or my ambitions! I have taken control (in a positive way) of the impact depression takes in my daily living, sometimes its almost impossible to get out of bed or see people but I’m standing strong, I get tired sometimes and the storm can be extremely powerful at times but I’m running through the thunder.

Never let your storm define you.


If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:



lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing

10 things they won’t tell you about antidepressants

I’ve had a long journey with mental health. Been through many ups and downs. I’ve had to try many different interventions, medications, professionals, meditation etc. I’m no professional but I’ve had experiences that have been very real for me. 

But before you read this.. if you ever need medication I suggest you listen to the professionals that are supporting you. Because the benefits of it far outweigh the side effects. Especially if it saves your life. Plus, there are so many different types of meds and everyone responses differently.

Over the past year I have been on medications to help me cope with a depressive episode. It’s been good, it’s been extremely difficult and here’s some things I’ve had to cope with, work through and put up with.. 

1. The headaches, body aches and muscle spasms

Ohhh.. man.. some days I feel like I’m 80 years old. Every bone, muscle, joint aches. There’s so much pain. The headaches are like electricity going through your brain. There’s days I can’t get out of bed because every part of my body feels like knives are stabbing me. 

2. Nightmares. Oh the nightmares. 

Some nights I wake up having panic attacks. Not only do you have scary dreams but they feel as if they are actually happening. Vivid dreams suckkkkkk. I’ve had dreams of being chased, locked in small rooms, buried alive, tortured, bones breaking etc. I could go on.. some weeks I feel like I haven’t slept. 

3. Increased sweating 

EW. This one makes me so embarrassed. Some nights I wake up sweating like crazy. Or if I get the slightest bit warm I start sweating. It’s so awkward! Thank God for make-up setting spray! 

4. Inability to concentrate 

Ok. So. Sorry if we have had a conversation over the past year and I seemed uninterested. I find it so incredibly hard to concentrate. There’s times i can completely blank out and I’ll be a thousand miles away in my thoughts. 

5. Always feeling dehydrated 

If I leave the house without water I legit feel like I’m going to die of dehydration. I need so much water. Especially in the morning.

6. Thoughts and ideas that aren’t normal for you 

This is kinda hard to explain but it’s almost as if there is someone else in your brain telling you to do outrageous things or think crazy thoughts. Right now my brain thinks I need to do adrenaline rush things.. like SkyDrive.. whattttttttttttt?? Sometimes the thoughts are distressing and dangerous but thankfully I have great support that helps me through those difficult days! 

7. Loss of emotions 

Hmmm.. so my emotions have become fairly numb. Although I laugh, smile, cry, get angry. There is this weird loss of actually being able to feel the emotion. It’s there but the feeling has been lost.

8. The hangover feel 

There’s days I feel so nauseated, sick and have no energy. As if I’ve just had a big night. One of my medications has a sedating effect on my body to help me be calm and sleep, But it comes with many side effects. 

9. Increased or decreased appetite 

This is frustrating. Some days I could eat every 2 seconds and theres other days where the thought of food legit makes me vomit. Along with that my weight fluctuates quickly.. grr! 

10. Withdrawal.. 

This is the worst part. Having to go off the medication or change to a new one has there huge consequences. Shaky hands, blurred vision, sickness, brain zaps, tummy upset, sore body, anger, sadness, crying spells.. etcccccc. Agh! So never withdraw without support and medical supervision!

With all that said.. being on medication for crisis or for a life time is so much better than battling every day with depression, anxiety or mental illness. Medication is great to help you cope and move through mental illness. Like I said before I’m not a professional. It’s just my story. 

Never be ashamed of your journey. Speak out when you need to and get healthy support! You’re worth it! 


If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:



lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing

Not The Year I Wanted.

2016… Well it wasn’t the year I expected. Definitely not the year I wanted. From being stuck in major depression and anxiety cycles, having super high highs and painful lows, failing at a lot and achieving so much.. 

At the start of this year I thought to myself ‘this is your year! You have moved, you’re studying and working!! It’s yours!! You have so got this!! Bring on 2016’ 

And then.. 

The shit hit the fan. There wasn’t a particular moment or event but this year has been hard to say the least. It hasn’t been my best year. It’s been lonely, it’s had its fun moments, it’s had struggles.. but isn’t that every year? But this year has been different for me.. and here’s why.. 

Even though I’ve had the extremes, the joy and the pain.. in every moment I knew I was ok. I was learning more about myself, the world around me and of course the Love of an amazing God. 

  • I’ve learnt that im so much stronger than I think 
  • My success rate of getting through the crap is 100%
  • I’m my own worst critic 
  • God never let’s me down 
  • My dreams far out weigh my fears 

So.. although it wasn’t the beautiful, amazing, fun, joyful year I had hoped for.. it was more than that! It was a year of exponential growth, strength and a deep joy I could have only ever dreamt of. 

I’m thankful for this year, yes I want it to be finished and hopefully 2017 is a little more gentle (even if it is an odd number year!!) 

And I hope you have learnt this year.. to embrace the hard times, enjoy the moment and to live without borders because you my friend are worth so much more than you could ever imagine!! Take a moment to reflect on this year, learn and set yourself up for an amazing finish! 

Love, peace and joy! (Because Christmas is almost here!!) 

Breannon xx

My Beautiful Relapse

Content warning: This post deals with anxiety and depression and may be triggering for some readers.
So I have relapsed over the past month with anxiety and depression but I’m totally ok with it. I think its been the most beautiful month for a long time. Heres why:

I have learnt how much I have grown and matured since I was a scared, all over the place 18 year old. With this relapse I haven’t let the symptoms over take me and shatter my world, I’ve been able to recognise them and work through them with all the knowledge and therapeutic interventions I have learnt from years of counselling and studying last year.

Yes, I’m taking medication. Its what I needed. That’s also ok. At first I hated myself for it but as I thought and prayed about it I felt a peace I could only dream of. With each day I can notice my body responding to the medication and becoming calm. Is my brain calm? far from it but I’m able to deal with whatever is happening up there.

I’ve found joy in the valley. January was the best. I had awesome, challenging, frustrating moments with God. I feel as if it was a defining month for me. Defining my willingness to fight for myself, my relationship with God and my overall health. I’m defiantly winning this war! It wasn’t as if God was absent or distant, it was these moments when i had decisions to make between Gods best for me or what I wanted. At times I just did what I wanted but God was still there and walking with me. It was different and it was beautiful!

I become ok with the now I’m a stress head and a planner. I need to know and I need to know now. But this month was a lot of being present with the now and learning and growing today. Not trying to just get to the next big thing in my life. I had this issue of always living for the next thing. Camp, going to Geelong, weddings, school seminars, youth, conferences… I thrived off the big things and completely missed the now.. because of that I missed my slow decline, missed my times sitting with God, stressed myself out about what I need to do.. I missed the precious moments of now. I love looking forward to exciting things and can’t wait for them but I’m learning to be ok and content with the now.

I’ve learnt a lot this past month and I’m sure I’ll keep learning about it all. The greatest thing I’ve learnt is to be gentle on myself and not to rush. I think a lot of us rush through life and look back and wonder why. Lets live for the now and appreciate the joys, difficulties, adventure and everything else tomorrow brings.



If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:



lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing.

Comparison Kills

I’ve been thinking lately about how much I compare my life to those around me. From wanting to look like someone else, have their job, their house, their ‘perfect’ little family,  their super outgoing fun personality.. and I realised this.. I was Killing myself.

I was resenting me

. It wasn’t an overly obvious thing because I’m fairly happy with where my life is at the moment. Of course there is more things I would like to be doing and dreams I want to fulfil but there was this underlying little thing that was chipping away at my happiness.

With all of this I’ve been thinking about how many (if any) people may compare their lives to mine. By what i post on Facebook, instagram or even on here and how much of it is actually authentic to my life. Yes they are real moment with real feelings but they are mostly the highlights of my day and don’t express the struggle it was for me to get up that day, how i put on extra make-up because i looked like crap, the anxiety I had leaving the house, the worry of no money in my bank account for another week (thanks surgery), the loneliness I felt, the frustration..i could go on but I think you get it haha

Heres a photo i posted on Facebook a few months back with the caption “// HAPPIEST DAYS // it’s been awhile since I’ve felt so happy, confident, joyful and loved. Taking the right steps brings freedom. #thisiswhathappinessfeelslike #happydays11209708_10208458001873291_1597873099326877295_n.jpg

I got 88 likes and a bunch of comments about how good I was looking, how proud people were of me etc. Makes you feel pretty great! was this picture an authentic reflection of my life.. hmmm.. yes i was feeling all the things the caption said but i was also deeply hurt, frustrated, annoyed and sad about some things that had happened a month or so earlier. Also, sometime I see some peoples post and I know where they are truly at in their lives and what actually is happening for them.. just like me their post is still true but lacks authenticity.
I have many examples I could post but its just go me thinking how when i scroll through my newsfeed every morning, lunch break and evening (i know.. i have an obsession haha) how careful I need to be to not compare my lowlights to the highlights of other peoples lives.

As I began to think, pray and journal I found myself reading the 10 commandments and the final one says this :
“You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Exodus 20:17)

I’ve heard these a thousand times and remember doing little activities on the commandments in Sunday school (Thanks Kiri) but to be honest it wasn’t until this week where I understood how important it is to really look at what God was saying to His people in Exodus 20. The beauty of where He has placed you in this life, the areas He leads you into and the ‘Such a time as this’ moments.

I don’t know what else to say but:

When oceans rise, My soul will rest in Your embrace

“..Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”          Psalm 23:4

Do you ever get those season when it feels like the oceans are rising? the valley is dark?
Where you look back and say “oh that was my darkest hour”?

I’ve had a few moments like that over the past few years. I actually had one last week. It was scary, it hurt and was mighty painful. But throughout every second there was hope. I know I wrote about hope a few weeks ago and how powerful it is, But i realised in this dark moment just how important it really is! It was the light that got me to call someone to talk about how I was feeling, it was the key to helping me take the next step, it was the feeling that helped me go to sleep that night.. It was the beauty that held me together in all my confusion.

My hope is Jesus. He is the calm in my anxiety, the joy in my depression, the truth in my struggles. I found myself in a place like the “shadow of death” I felt like I was being taken out. It was a moment when all the different crazy puzzle pieces of my life were finally coming together and I was heading in the right direction. I just knew what I needed to do; but at the same time a huge amount of fear came over me, I felt so trapped, petrified of what other people would think, I began to panic and had to go out outside so I could just breathe. The next few days felt like i was in the “shadow of death” I felt like I lost the bounce in my step but then I heard this:

“…The only way there can be  shadow is where there is light and our light is Jesus, so we walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death…”- Darlene Zschech 

Whatever you are walking through, remember this:

You are walking THROUGH it! How amazing is that! I hated it when I was battling depression and people would say things like “theres a light at the end of the tunnel” it would infuriate me!! I needed light right now, not at the end of the tunnel, maybe i just interpreted the saying wrong but I couldn’t think about the end because I didn’t know how long away that would be, I needed hope, light and love in that very moment. So remember this.. the shadow is just a shadow and there is always light even if it only just showing. HOPE is right there.

I also felt like I was a bad Christian for having mental illnesses and that God had left me in the tunnel and would come back when I got to the end where the “light” was. But until I realised He was right there with me I didn’t get my freedom, because I was working for it.. I was striving and trying to fix myself. But the moment I said “God, I need you in this, I need your help, I give you my depression” it was as if my entire life made a shift and I began to walk from a place of victory, rather than a place of earning my healing.

I also realised just last night that I hadn’t let myself get tooooo happy.. because I had another fear.. yeah I have a few.. This other fear was “If I allow myself to get happy, I will have further to fall next time I got depression”.. wait what!? I had stopped myself from entering into full joy, healing, restoration, love, hope, light because I had believed a dumb lie that I would get depression again!! So I KICKED THAT IN THE FACE THIS MORNING!

Yes, oceans will rise
Yes, times will get tough
Yes, I will feel sad sometimes
Yes, I will walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Yes, I will face hard things

but never again will I let the enemy steal my joy, life and hope! Even if I got told I had depression again I wouldn’t let it take me out, because I know it’s just a shadow. It’s all a journey and we face different seasons but always look for the light even if its just barely coming through. You’re so worth it!!!!

“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle”
-Francis of Assisi

The Power Of Speaking

Content warning: This post deals with suicide and depression and may be triggering for some readers.

What happened after I posted my last blog? I’ll be totally honest.

I was so scared, I barely slept, I woke up having panic attacks all night. But there was also this deep sense of relief. I DID IT!

Over the following days I received many encouraging words on the post (Thank you!) Many private messages of people sharing their own struggles with anxiety and when I looked at how many people viewed my blog it said 163! I was a little overwhelmed but a courage and confidence was rising up in me.

One of my biggest goals in life is to help people. Help people know their identity, help people discover their purpose, help people know they are worth it and help people work though their struggles. I guess thats why I’m studying counselling and family therapy.

No, I’m not Jesus, I don’t have all the answers, I’m not anyones answer, but I want to encourage people to explore their lives and help themselves find solutions and understanding to the things they are facing. Instead of avoiding, getting ‘busy’ and just surviving.

So, What I realised when sharing my struggles:

There is so so so so much power in speaking out our struggles and there is no new struggle under the sun. I remember back a few years ago when I ‘couldn’t’ tell anyone about my struggles which made me feeling isolated and guilty, but I also remember the days I started to confide in trusted people and the deep sense of relieve and the ‘oh its actually not that bad’ feeling, it was almost as if I was in a pitch black room and someone had opened the door just a little bit. There was HOPE.

Hope is such a power tool. Where we have hope we have freedom. Without hope we are prisoners. Often we can hide our fears, struggles, addictions because of the shame and guilt we feel. We all struggle, we all have issues. Why don’t we just start talking about them? I know when people share with me about their crap, I don’t see them as their issue, I don’t hold them to their struggle. I see them as a real person and I hold them to their potential.

Why do we need to start talking? Because everyday in Australia 7 people commit suicide, Worldwide every 40 seconds someone is committing suicide and how many more are attempting. It scares me that this is the answer for so many people and I want to be a voice for the ones that feel like they can’t speak. The World Health Organization estimates that more than 350 million people struggle with depression worldwide. One in 16 young Australians is currently experiencing depression, and three in four adult mental health conditions emerge by age 24, according to Beyond Blue.

Why else? When I work on my issues I am able to give more of myself in relationships. I can be the person I have been created to be. Fear takes over, anxiety creeps in and I hold my love back.

I know what its like to struggle with suicidal thoughts. Yeah.. I know! I just shared another struggle. Yes, my journey may be different to yours but I know this one thing.. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. Yesterday was a 2 year celebration for me of being off anti-depressants and tackling depression. Its been a hard journey, a very long road but everyday I am so thankful for the people who let me talk, who walked with me, who called out the good inside of me, who held my arms when I was tired and pointed me back to Jesus. I know that because I was given the freedom to talk about my depression I was able to overcome it. They didn’t have all the answers or any answers. They didn’t questioned me based on what they saw (she’s always happy and smiling). but they allowed me to explore and discover my hope.

Lets be people who speak, lets be a voice, Lets be advocates of hope, Lets watch the statistics reduce and Lets be real!


If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:



lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251

Suicide call back service- 1300659467

or visit your local GP

For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing.