I love when the sky begins to change. The bright blue of the sky turns to grey and that beautiful smell right before the rain comes. I love standing still and waiting for that first drop of rain to roll down my face. It’s almost a relief. Its as if my lungs have been cleared and I can breathe again. But I hate the thunder. My heart races with the sound rolling across the sky. I fear the chaos of the storm.
I recently found myself in the bright blue sunny part of my life. You know those times when life is calm. Everything you do is beautiful. You can cope with whatever is thrown your way. My mental health was stable, the side effects of my medication had begun to lessen, I was giving to those around me, and I could add value.
But.. There’s always a but.. I felt somewhat.. I guess weird? It didn’t feel normal. I wanted the rain. I wanted the fear of the storm. So I talked myself into a hole. I let depression take a place in my daily life again. I’ve been an advocate for mental health and one thing that makes my heart break is when people say ‘just think better thoughts’ or ‘maybe you should just change the way you think about *insert subject’ it doesn’t really work but in saying that I’ve learnt something amazing about not letting my brain control me, but allowing me to control my brain! (For more info check out dr. Caroline leaf)
Depression and anxiety or any mental health.. it doesn’t care about the time of day, month, place or the best day of your life. They will strike when you’re laughing with friends, in a crowded room, making burgers or in the stillness of your room. Depression sucks the life right out of your lungs. But at the same time can became a strange comfort and feel like it’s giving you life. It lies to you.
Anyway! Let me get to my point. As I was feeling more stable and the storm was calm, I felt like I wasn’t ‘normal’ and talked myself back into the storm. Good one Breannon!! Thankfully I’m much more aware and able to quickly catch myself in these moments. So I stopped. I let myself feel the rain pour down my face and touch the deepest part of my soul. I cried. I got angry. I panicked. I hid. I prayed.
You know when you can hear the thunder in the distance. You know its coming and there’s nothing you can do about it. That was me. I could hear the storm brewing around me. Closing in on me and I knew in that moment I needed to make significant decisions that would change how I viewed the storm. Was I scared? Yep, petrified! I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen. Where I would end up. But I knew I would be ok.
So, right now the thunder is loud and the storm is right here. The depression and anxiety I feel is real but I’m not letting it take control. I’m not letting it damage my relationships, my life or my ambitions! I have taken control (in a positive way) of the impact depression takes in my daily living, sometimes its almost impossible to get out of bed or see people but I’m standing strong, I get tired sometimes and the storm can be extremely powerful at times but I’m running through the thunder.
Never let your storm define you.
If you or a loved one need to talk to someone please consider the following organisations, because you’re worth it:
lifeline: 13 11 14
Suicide helpline Victoria: 1300651251
Suicide call back service- 1300659467
or visit your local GP
For the people who help, you seriously don’t have to have any answers, don’t be scared, just listen. Help your person find a place they can talk and find helpful tools to assist in their processing