I’ll tell you what.

This is both extremely scary but also so very exciting.

My FIRST ever real blog.

I don’t know how many people will actually read this. but I’m not doing it for that reason. I’m doing it because I need to.

I need to express

I need to write

I need to tell

I need to be transparent..

Social Anxiety..

It’s my crippling fear. I feel it in the morning. I feel it at night. I feel it walking past people I know or don’t know. I feel it when my phone rings. I feel it in every text message. I feel it writing this. I feel it seeing my therapist. I feel it walking into a room. I feel it on the train. I feel it going to church. I feel it at 3am. I feel it all the time..

I’m not sure if you know the feeling. But let me paint a picture:

“You’re sitting at your desk and there’s a knock at the door.. It takes everything inside of you to turn around and tell the person to come in. They come in and ask you to do something, they leave. You sit there holding the document they dropped off.

“I forgot to ask them how many copies

Do they want it now?

I have to walk past people

What if I do it wrong?

What if someone else wants me to do something”

Its ok.. I can do this.. I think. You get up and walk over to the photocopier. Avoid eye contact. My hands are sweating. My heart is racing. My breathing is rapid.

Your phone rings. Feel the air go in and out of your lungs. It’s ok. Just answer it. Your cheerful tone hides the nervous shaking of your voice. You fumble over your words. You hang up.

“What did they say?

That was a whole lot of information in a 2 minute phone call

I cant remember what they said because I was so stuck in my feelings.”

You make it back to you desk. Papers in hand. 5 hours left.”

Its not because I don’t want to help and do things. I love helping. I love achieving. I love to love people. It’s because I have believed the deepest lie..

I’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH..

It ruins our lives

It stops us being who we need to be

It steals from us

It sucks the life out of the world..

When I believe this lie. I realize I’m trying to be perfect. I’m scared of what people are going to think. I’m petrified of doing something wrong. I crippled by the feeling that they might discover that I’m not the perfect person I want them to think I am.. but guess what? They already know!!

It makes me so mad that this one lie takes away so much of my ability. It makes me so sad that so many young and old people believe it. It breaks my heart that we don’t know that we don’t have to do anything or be anything to be good enough. We are just good enough for being who we are created to be.

No job

No relationship

No car

No amount of money

No social status

No job title

No achievement will ever make you feel ‘Good enough’ if you don’t know your worth at the very core.

I don’t exactly have the answers but what I do know is that each day I am able. I am capable. I am powerful. I am loved. And because of that I can face the next situation. I can move past how tired and worn out I am. That’s its actually going to be ok.

My worth isn’t in what I’m doing but who I am. I am a human. I have failures. I don’t have to be perfect. I can make the biggest mistakes and screw up 1000 times and my worth never changes. My identity doesn’t waver.

Anyways. I think that’s enough for now.

Peace my loves!